Perfection

Well, today a sudden change of plans and a forgotten appointment took what should have been a very good day and turned it into one I’d rather forget. Except for the educational quality of my own reactions.

You see, I let those two things take over my thoughts and emotions and start me down a path of self-pity on one side and self-recrimination on the other. Not a pleasant, or profitable, walkway. It’s been happening more and more recently. But, maybe not. Maybe I’ve always let it happen and I just wasn’t aware of it or willing to face it.

I’m aware of it now, although that doesn’t mean I’m any better at avoiding it or controlling it. However, things are gradually looking up.

Last night I paid the bills. Not earth shattering, or even worth mentioning, except for one aspect of the experience. More than once while I was working, I made what I consider stupid mistakes: putting the papers in an envelope so the address doesn’t show through the little window and not noticing until it’s already sealed and stamped; sealing and stamping another one, then realizing there’s a check staring at me that should have been in the envelope. Then, with much self-disgust, opening the envelope only to find, with no memory of doing it, I wrote two checks for the same thing and there was already one in the now-ruined envelope. Anybody else feel my frustration?

But what is really noteworthy is — I was still beating myself up for those mistakes (and a few others that happened earlier in the day) as I was getting ready for bed! And, indeed, it was still niggling at the back of my mind as I tried to go to sleep. Perfectionism, anyone?

SO, this morning as I lay in bed talking to the Lord, it came to mind again and I began to discuss it with him.

“Lord, I know my attitude was bad last night. Forgive me. Why am I having so much trouble letting go of these types of things? Why am I so easily thrown and almost wounded when I do something so obviously goofy? And, why can’t I shake it off and not let it haunt me? I’m a full-grown adult … I’ve got adult children and grandkids, for heaven’s sake. I’ve known for more years than I want to admit I am not perfect. I know I’ve accepted that about myself, so what is the deal?”

And, a quiet reply. “You’ve accepted you’re not perfect. BUT — you haven’t accepted the fact that it’s okay that you’re not.”

Let it sink in for a moment.

If you have admitted you’re a perfectionist but are still struggling with the aftereffects of your mistakes, letting them change your mood or haunt you, or however you experience it, is it possible that, like me, you haven’t decided it’s okay? Do you really believe deep down inside God can, and does, accept you the way you are?

And, here’s the scariest thought that has come to me as I pondered this: is it possible, when I allow myself to be so negatively affected by my own mistakes, I am somehow insulting God and/or grieving him by refusing to totally accept and receive his grace? Because if it is, it’s certainly not what I want to do. Another outcome of that pondering is the realization of where my reactions take me: self-pity, self-recrimination, unwillingness to accept myself as God does … are you noticing a theme?

I guess my next step is to ask him to show me what to do next time I make a mistake. Which probably isn’t too far off … since, after all, I know I’m not perfect!

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That was written a while ago … and guess what? I’m no closer to being perfect now than I was then. But I’m working on a new approach – striving to let go of the goofy, not-so-wonderful things I still do and grasp instead the idea that I am always loved and accepted. It’s not easy, but I find it’s a much better way to live. Imperfection, anyone?