I Was Correct

I had discovered I don’t do well with sudden change. Update: I just plain don’t do well with any change if I haven’t been seeking it. And most of the changes we experienced in these last months were not ones I sought – in fact, they weren’t even on my radar. Living in California, we’ve had a pretty far reaching and serious lock down going on, then off, then on again. The only obvious benefit was a large reduction in freeway traffic. However, even though up until last week we were still supposedly locked down, the traffic continues to shift back towards “normal”. In Los Angeles that means somewhere between stop-and-go and gridlock. Not exactly a change anyone was seeking.

When I wrote before, I was beginning to notice moods that were unfamiliar to me; ones I was stymied to explain or deal with. Update: Turns out that was only the beginning of a downward spiral. The last three months or so there have been many hours, sometimes days, when I didn’t even want to be with myself! There seemed to be an ever-present under current of anger that caused me to cycle in and out of depression. Something really out of the norm for me. I think I might have broken that cycle – but, only time will tell.

Last time, I complained about cloudy weather. But we definitely had a summer! I woke up one morning in August and it was 90 degrees outside. At 8:00 a.m.! At 11:00 p.m. that evening it was 71 on my front porch. Beautiful sunshine and no clouds … but a whole lot of heat. Update: You’d think I would have been thankful and at least moderately happy about the change, right? Not so much. You see, I like to put my earphones on, pull up worship music on my phone and walk or run outside. It’s part of my self-care. At 90+ degrees it’s more like sauna-care! And I don’t remember having much of a fall; suddenly it seemed to be winter. Last week our temps were dropping into the low 40’s at night; thankfully it’s eased up a little … and we actually got some rain in the last month!

As for my solutions from the original post. Here they are in a nutshell: 1) Remember how very fortunate I am on a regular basis. 2) Get myself off my mind. 3) Do something productive.
Sounds simple, right? Update: Here’s the truth that I’ve been forced to acknowledge. They’re simple to say, simple to share – and incredibly hard to execute. At least that’s what I’ve seen in my own life in the last couple months. Oh, I have managed to purge some things out of my closet, reorganize some drawers and part of a pantry, etc … but nothing huge or earth-shaking. I have probably spent more time in intercessory prayer recently – so that’s a plus. As for being consciously thankful? Let’s just say not too long ago, in a morning conversation with my husband about my emotional balance (or lack thereof), his comment was, “You sure have trouble counting your blessings, don’t you?” OUCH – mostly because it’s been true! Yes, Jesus said, “The truth will set you free.” But he never said it would be painless!

So, what’s my take away this time? Be careful what you preach to others – because you just may be preaching to an unintended audience: YOURSELF. If you do, pay attention … the Lord may convict you with your own words, as he’s doing with me. Right at this moment, I am recognizing some benefits: working to internalize more humility and a lot more empathy for others. I’m not saying I’m there yet – only that it’s worth trying to open my heart and mind to grasp them and keep them. I’m hoping a year from now I will be able to say, “Those were two of the things that Covid-19 taught me.”