Miss Me?

If you have, then let me say this up front, “I am so sorry!” It’s something that I am dealing with right now – and have been for close to two years.

It’s one of those life experiences that takes you through a lot of different stages and emotions, and just when you think you might have gotten it calmed down a bit … you discover you were wrong. There’s the grief at the loss of the relationship; the anger because you don’t understand; the guilt that attacks, even though you’re not sure what you did to feel guilty about; the pain of being rejected. And, if that’s not enough, there’s also the random self-questioning: “What could I have done differently?”; “Why didn’t I see this coming?”; “Where did I fail?” And, maybe the biggest one of all: “How do I fix this?”

In our situation there has been absolutely no communication for all of these months, which means finding an answer to any of those questions is a futile quest. And, there are the theories about “Why?” that spin through randomly and repeatedly, both in my own head, and out of the mouths of others. I came to the conclusion that until we can sit down face-to-face and ask the questions, all of those possibilities are just theories, nothing more – so I need to let them go. But that doesn’t stop my brain from wanting to wrestle with them. Especially when I’m emotionally vulnerable – or it’s the middle of the night … or, worst of all, a combination of those two.

So, I have come to the point where I have handed them over to God. It’s not that I’m being super-spiritual and full of faith. It’s because, quite honestly, there is no other choice. I can focus on it, ponder it, fight with it; let myself be angry or become bitter, but none of those sound like positive activities and they won’t get me anywhere I want to go. So, I’ve had this conversation:
“Lord Jesus, they’ve never really been mine – they were just on loan from you. And now, Lord, I’m releasing this entire situation over to you – I’m accepting that there is absolutely nothing I can do but pray … so that’s what I’m going to do. While you work it out, please keep my heart tender and warm.”

As I began to pray for them and the situation a few mornings ago, I opened up by saying, “God, I miss them … I just miss them.” And a thought popped into my head and I asked. “God, do you miss me when I walk away from you?” I’d never looked at it quite that way before. All the times I’ve decided I’d rather go my own way than his; the episodes that can only be explained as me trying to shut him out – did he feel what I’ve been feeling all these months? Since he’s a loving father, I have to assume he does feel the parental feelings I do … maybe even more deeply, because he knows my reasons when I edge away from him, giving him a “cold shoulder”. Or even worse, when I flat turn my back and walk away. In fact, it might be worse for him; he sees all too clearly the damage I’m doing to myself.

Does that make my situation any better? No, not really. Am I stronger, or more willing to leave it all in his hands, because I’ve decided he knows what I’m going through? Honestly, I might be stronger, although I certainly don’t feel like I am. Willing to leave it in his hands? That’s a daily journey – sometimes a moment to moment one: the decision to hand it back to him and say, “I trust you.” I think that if I can do that, even though I may never get an answer or a resolution this side of heaven, at least my heart will have a better shot at staying warm and loving. And that’s a prize worth winning. Plus, God won’t be missing me … and I won’t be missing him.