The State of Me

As Americans we’re all pretty familiar with the concept of the State of the Union address that is usually given each February by the sitting president. In it we are informed of things that have happened and plans that have been made or are being made to move things in a direction the current regime deems noteworthy and appropriate. And, if you’re like me, you very seldomly watch the entire thing. I’m particularly fond of picking up the highlights on a newscast later and if I like the highlights, maybe trying to find a rerun of the whole speech … but that’s a very big “maybe”. I find the older I get, the less I am likely to wholeheartedly trust any of our politicians and/or our newscasters. Sad, but true.

However, I had a thought one morning a few weeks ago. It might not be a bad idea for me every so often to do a little personal report titled “The State of Me”. It would include sections like:
– What’s going well, and how am I planning on continuing to nurture it?
– What needs work, and who is going to do that work? Me? My spouse? Family? Friends? A professional? A committee?
– Where am I completely falling down on the job? Attitude? Perseverance? Am I procrastinating … again?
– How’s my walk with Jesus? Am I in the Word? Prayed-up? Walking the walk, in day-to-day life? Or just paying it lip-service?

One by one, I could lay all of these questions, and more, out before Jesus … then wait for his answers. Because with the best will in the world to be honest and straight-forward with myself and with him, I am human. And that means sometimes I have a log in one eye – and I’m blind in the other! I am however sure of this:

Only he truly knows my heart in all these areas.
Only he knows the things I think I’ve surrendered but am actually still holding onto.
AND –
He knows the areas where I might think I’ve crossed the finish line, when in reality there’s still a long way to go.
He knows the future — the pain and joy, challenges and victories that will come my way … and how I’ll respond to them.
And, only he sees any secrets I might be hiding from myself, or from him … or both. (This one has always puzzled me: how in the world do I think I can hide anything from a God who is omniscient and omnipresent – and created me in my mother’s womb, for crying-out-loud?!! I remind myself of a little child who thinks when she covers her eyes you can’t see her. Still every once in a while, I find my brain heading down that track.)

I’m imagining there are a lot of different thoughts swirling around in your mind as you read this. Everything from, “That sounds like a worthwhile thing.” to “You have got to be flippin’ kidding me!” Maybe even, “I could do that … but I’m not sure I want to know the answers.” Perhaps “I’m imagining” was the incorrect term – would “I’m sure” be better? I only say that because all of those thoughts traipsed through my mind as I initially approached this subject and again as I began trying to get it down on paper. And I have to admit, a lot of these suggestions sound like invitations to be uncomfortable … or maybe even engulfed in pain. Like they’d bring up a few of my insecurities (trust me, there are more than a few). Or maybe some repressed anger, feelings of failure or covered-over guilt would be unearthed. But, have you noticed in your life that you rarely grow in any area while you’re feeling comfortable? It’s been glaringly obvious in mine!

I guess one of the biggest reasons I might want to do this exercise stems from writing Clandestiny. In the process of pulling everything out of the cupboards, drawers and closets of my past, I discovered how inauthentic my life had really been. It broke my heart, in more ways than one. But, through that brokenness a God-given longing … a deeply felt desire was born: if nothing else, I want my life to be authentic. I want you to see who I really am – craziness, cuteness, weaknesses, childish joys (and sometimes behavior), struggles – all of it. Because if I can show you that, hopefully you’ll also be able to see the Jesus I am coming to know … and how real he is. For me that will make it all worthwhile.

But, it’s a messy project. At least, it is for me. I don’t have a large supply of what I would call ‘stick-to-itive-ness’ in a lot of the areas of my life. I was well into my late 30’s before I got consistently serious about exercising – that one has now gone from a good idea to a daily need. Eating healthy I can accomplish on a fairly regular basis; falling off that wagon can still happen pretty easily though. And we’ve already talked about my ability to procrastinate, so we don’t need to go down that road again. The fact that I actually finished writing a book and got it published probably came as a surprise to many people; that’s okay – it came as a surprise to me also! Out of all of those, the one that was the most painful was writing Clandestiny and completing its publication. There was a lot of crying, laughing, yelling, feeling defeated (maybe even depressed), joy when something was accomplished, and wanting to quit that cycled through those eight years for me. And, of course, that meant my husband got to experience about 90% of all of it second hand. But you know what? It also meant I got to experience sharing my life authentically. And that helped me realize something: not only were people okay with it, some were actually helped by it! Even better, I actually discovered areas of myself I didn’t know were there.

So, you ready for a challenge? Design your very own “The State of Me” questionnaire and spend some time examining where you are and what makes you tick. Who knows? Maybe you’ll discover an area, or areas, of your life that points to the authentic you! If you do, drop me an email – I’d love to know what you found!!