Mothers Are Complicated

But we might also be able to agree that in many ways that’s pretty much where the similarity ends. That’s because people are complicated by nature; part of me believes motherhood makes us more complicated as individuals rather than simpler.

Maybe this is rising up in me because we just celebrated Mother’s Day. It can be a holiday that brings joy and comfort – but it can also be alive with pain, tears and sorrow. And for some, like me, a combination of both. If your children are all doing well and are interacting with you in positive ways, your Mother’s Day probably fits into the first category. But if one of your children has died or your relationship(s) is strained, or non-existent right now, the day takes on a whole new meaning. You can find yourself experiencing a myriad of different emotions in a fairly small space of time. And every mother, on each and every Mother’s Day, experiences her day in a slightly different way. Like I said – COMPLICATED!

However, you don’t have to wallow in those negative feelings – instead, you can use them as a catalyst for something positive. You see, no matter what your personal experience is, there is something you have to give that somebody, somewhere needs, whether it’s your own children or not. God has allowed me to experience this up close and personally in many ways. I think it might be his way of both soothing my heart because of my experiences over the last couple of years and expanding it for the future. I would like to share some examples with you … but I want to make sure you understand that in no way am I patting myself on the back, saying, “Look how great I am”, or taking credit for things that literally fell into my life. What I am trying to do is encourage you to pay attention in your own world and see what happens.

So, let me show you what came across my phone and computer screens on Mother’s Day this year.

“Thank you for being the most wonderful, amazing, caring and kind-hearted beautiful soul who loves like Jesus, and is a prayer warrior for so many. You meet people where they are and love them with no expectation.”

That was from a young, single woman in her 30’s whom we met when she was our waitress one afternoon in Florida. She’s bright, engaging and did a great job … so much so that we returned to the restaurant a few days later and asked to sit at one of her tables. We learned that she was working towards becoming a nurse because she’d been so impressed and touched when she watched the nurses care for her father during his final illness. That’s been a number of years ago now, and she’s become very dear to us. We make a point of spending time with her each time we’re in Florida; and we’re in touch by email and text when we’re not there.

“Thank you for loving me and my family … I am forever grateful to God for bringing you into my life and me into yours … For the hugs you give me that make me feel as though I am really truly seen, heard and loved. No strings attached. No conditions.”

This came from someone my sister and I met while standing with hundreds of other women very early in the morning, waiting to enter a sports stadium for a Christian women’s conference. Our relationship started when we offered to save her place so she could go get some coffee at a nearby hotel. Apparently, she really needed it, but she was there alone and was having a pretty active debate with herself about which was more important: a good seat inside or a much-needed jolt of caffeine. When we told her we’d save her spot it did two things: it surprised her (which surprised us) and it opened the door for conversation when she returned with her prize. At the time, she was in her early twenties and had three kids – ages four, three and two. And her oldest had severe medical issues from the moment of birth. My sister and I experienced a combination of being stunned and impressed as she told us that tale. Long story short, we ended up spending a lot of time with her during that two-day conference and she got a chance to meet Steve and my brother-in-law before it was over. And the next time Steve and I were in Florida we also got a chance to meet her husband. They’re a great young couple, both determined to raise their kids with a love for God and others … and now there are two more little people in the group, for a total of five!

“I wish you the happiest of Mother’s Day. I am wishing you Mother’s Day as special as you are. Thank you very much for everything you have done for me and all the world.” (Those are direct quotes … English is not his first language.)

This one came from Piotr, the same young man I wrote about in the final chapter of the “Beautifully Spoiled” posts. I referenced his “nightmare childhood” – but let me do a little filling in for you now. He’s an only child. His dad left when he was very little and never returned. His mother owned and ran a restaurant, and according to Piotr she never cared where he was or who he was with. She frequently left him with a boyfriend who often beat him – to the point that his back bled. It didn’t matter to his mom; the only bright spot was his grandmother, but she wasn’t able to take him and he didn’t see her often. I’ll spare you some of the other details … it still hurts my heart to think about them.

So, here’s the thing. By the grace of God, I was born into a family with two parents who loved me and were able and willing to support me financially and in many other ways. All of us as children seem to believe that everybody else’s home is just like ours. I know I did. Yes, my mother was complicated (there’s that word again), but I can’t really throw stones – I’m pretty sure my husband and children would tell you the same thing about me. Not really the point … the point is that there are many, many young people, from little children to young adults who weren’t blessed the way I was. (For clarity: my personal definition of a young adult is just about anyone who is somewhere around ten or more years younger than I am. And since it won’t be too long before I enter my seventh decade on this planet, that’s a pretty wide field.)

Steve and I have had multiple opportunities through the years to come alongside kids like these for a variety of reasons: a need for advice or encouragement, sometimes a financial need, and sometimes it’s been as simple as a need for someone to listen.

One of the things we have found is that when you hear someone’s story of their childhood, often it’s hard to make the connection between the sweet, loving and productive adult before you and the things they’ve been through. I’ve found myself saying, “How did that child even survive, much less be who they are?” Just that alone is enough to make you proud of them … and for us, to want to help them succeed.

For years Steve and I called kids like these our “adopted children” … but that became more and more confusing for our friends and even worse for new acquaintances as they tried to understand what in the world we were talking about. So, a couple of years ago in thinking about that issue, I decided a better description would be “Children of Choice”. Steve agreed – after all, most of them are young enough to be our children, God chose to bring them into our lives and we chose to welcome them in.

Now, let me reiterate and emphasize that I am not sharing any of this to pat myself on the back or blow my own horn. From my perspective all I have done is pray for these gems, hug them and talk to them when we can see them, and text and/or email them when we can’t. So, here’s the deal: I’m willing to bet that somewhere in your life there is at least one someone who needs you. Your attention, your words, a card or a hug … they just want someone who cares and is willing to show it. You have something to offer that may very well change a life for the better … and it’s not difficult to do. It basically boils down to a three-step process – at least, it did and does for me: pray, pay attention and step out. Yes, sometimes it won’t work out and you might get hurt. But, in our lives those are the rarities, not the norm. And I hope you’ll trust me when I tell you taking the risk will be worth it. THE REWARDS YOU’LL RECEIVE FAR OUTWEIGH THE EFFORT YOU MAKE. God has used our Chosen Children in my life like balm on my own bruised, and sometimes broken heart. Remember, none of those quotes above came from a child I gave birth to – and the words meant more to me than I can explain. But I think you probably understand. After all, Mothers are complicated … but this is pretty simple.